New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
