if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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