The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
