non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
