I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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