I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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