no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
