what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Randomize
