i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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