If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
