That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
