I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
