Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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