1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
