I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
