She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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