Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
