Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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