The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Enjoy the penises
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
