I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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