I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
