bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
sarcasm needs its own font
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
