Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
