We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
