So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
