it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
