True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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