my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
