I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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