On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
