the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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