Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
