When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
