Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
