What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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