I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
