I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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