I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
