i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
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