When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
