I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
