In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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