Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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