what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
