as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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