is your mom at the bar?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
