Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
