Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
