Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
