It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
